Five Persuasive Phrases You Can Use Immediately to Build Better Relationships and Lead More Effectively

I’ve observed a few simple and common characteristics of people during my 20 years of counseling. Nothing especially profound, just some things you may have already learned yourself.

For example, nobody likes to be told what to do. Just about everybody is open to you making a request if you ask nicely. Almost anyone will open up a little more on a topic if you invite them to do so in the right way. One of the quickest ways to diffuse tense emotions in an argument is to help the other person realize that you are in fact listening to them, and you understand their point of view.

The words we choose to use with people make a real difference in our relationships and leadership effectiveness.

The Bible assures us with ages-old wisdom that, “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4) It also warns that it’s easy to fail in managing what we say: “Wise speech is rarer and more valuable than gold and rubies.” (Proverbs 20:15)

So here are five persuasive phrases I try to use in my conversations, whether professional or personal, because they can often make a difference in solving conflicts, building relationships, and even getting things done the way I want.

#1. May I make a suggestion? Sure, many people think of counselors as professional advice-givers. While that really isn’t so, even if it was, I would try not to simply tell people what to do. I find it keeps my relationships happier if I get permission to give advice by asking first, “May I make a suggestion?”

People usually say yes and are more open to my ideas that way. (And if they say, “No”, that’s a sign my advice probably wouldn’t be heard at that point anyway.)

#2. May I make a request? Almost everyone will respond positively to this question. Of course you can make a request. This simple phrase greases the rails for you to ask for what you want in the most non-threatening way possible.

#3. Tell me more about that. This wonderfully open-ended sentence invites people to open up. It works in so many situations, not just counseling. “Pastor, I’ve been worried about the church.” Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, say, “Tell me more about that.” And let them talk.

#4. I think what you’re telling me is… Perhaps this phrase is a golden oldie. Maybe you’ve used it yourself. It will never go out of style, though, because it is so important. The greatest rule of conflict resolution I know is this: don’t state your own point until you have stated the other person’s point to their satisfaction. In other words, “I think what you’re telling me is…”

#5. Can we explore the idea of… People don’t always warm up to new initiatives or perspectives immediately. In fact, people can get downright defensive! (This does not include only the church board but even our spouses!) You don’t always have to start with selling or strong-arming. In fact, you don’t necessarily have to have a foregone conclusion.

In many cases, I’ve found you’re more likely to get what you want if you start by simply asking to explore an idea. What would it look like if we adopted it? How would it work? What would the benefits be? Many times, people will be willing to explore with you.

Bonus “phrase”!  Finally, there’s one more powerful communication tool I use. Frankly, sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing. Nada. Silence. Zip the lip. “It is foolish to belittle a neighbor; a person with good sense remains silent.” (Proverbs 11:12)

We probably all struggle to say exactly the right thing in every single circumstance, especially when tensions run high and emotions spill out. Still, we need to try. I believe the five phrases above will help you do just that.

Challenge: pick one of the phrases above and search for at least three opportunities to use it in the coming week. Let me know what happens!

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